The NICU continued...

Side note: I started writing these the week we came home from the hospital and I wish I had kept at it, but I was still feeling a little upset from everything that had happened that I couldn't keep writing. And now I don't remember the details quite as clearly so this "NICU continued" post won't be quite as in depth as the others.

The NICU continued...

The day that Amina was born was SUCH a long day. Neither Justin nor I had slept for almost a full 24 hours. We both got little cat naps here and there but nothing substantial. But we were so excited to meet our little girl that we didn't really care all that much, but not sleeping takes a toll on your body and your mood. When Amina was first put on the antibiotics, we were under the impression that she would only have to be on them for 3 days and then we would be able to take her home. So, the third day of antibiotics rolls around and we asked her nurse when we were going to be able to take her home. (Thinking that we were going to be able to take her home that night or early the next morning.) Because I was supposed to be discharged that day and we needed to know if we needed to get a hotel or what-not. So, we asked her nurse and she informed us that there was no way we were going to be able to take her home because she was relying on an IV machine to give her the nutrients that she wasn't getting from the breast milk because my milk hadn't come in yet. And she explained to us that she would have to be weaned off of the machine so it wasn't exactly a fast process. I was SO upset. I couldn't stop myself from crying. I was so mad and upset and confused and full of so many other emotions that I couldn't help myself. The poor nurse felt so bad, she had just gotten there for her shift and then dropped that awful bomb on us. Which to us felt like it came completely out of left field. We were so upset. We felt like we were being over looked because nobody felt the need to tell us why we had to stay or why we couldn't take our baby home. They all just assumed that we knew what was going on and we weren't told anything. So anyway, we decided to go back to room to figure stuff out. We were talking about getting a hotel but my sweet doctor had told the nurses not to discharge me just yet because my baby was still in the hospital, so I got to stay for one more night. The next day we pretty much spent the entire day in the NICU. The only time either Justin or I weren't in the NICU was because one of my family members was in with one of us or because we were in the restroom or eating. I was not going to let our baby girl out of our sight, and one of us was going to be in the room when the doctor came in so we could get some answers! That night after my family headed back to Tehachapi, Justin and I asked one of the nurses when the doctor was going to be in and if we could talk to him about our daughter. The nurse said that he was going to be in later that night but he doesn't like talking to parents of his patients. --I'm sorry?! What?! He doesn't like talking to parents!? Are you kidding me? He works on babies! He certainly can't inform the babies about what is going on! It is his job to talk to parents! We were less than amused. So when he did finally come in, we demanded to talk to him. He told us that Amina's body was having a hard time producing white blood cells and that is why we aren't able to take her home with us. Because if she were to contract some kind of infection at home then her body wouldn't have any way to fight it off. He said that if she didn't start producing white blood cells within the next few days then he wanted to send her to some kind of specialist in LA. He told me that I needed to continue pumping and trying to breastfeed her because the breast milk is the best way for babies to get the nutrients they need for their bodies to function properly. Cue emotional breakdown number 2 for Shaye. I just couldn't control myself. I thought for sure that this was all my fault. I was the one that got her sick in the first place, I was the one that couldn't produce enough milk to nourish her so that she could get better. It was all my fault. And no matter what anyone told me, whether it was Justin or a nurse there was no convincing me otherwise. I was to blame. So that night I decided that I was going to do my best to pump every 4 hours at night and breastfeed her every 3 hours during the day. Thankfully my milk started coming in and so pumping wasn't quite as frustrating as before. 

During this time Justin and I decided that we were going to try out a bunch of different hotels because we had to stay in Bakersfield anyway, we so found a little cluster of hotels in town and stayed at a different one every night. (And because we learned that you can get a discount at Marriott hotels if you are a government employee and we weren't staying in a Marriott at the time.) We figured we might as well make the best of it and we enjoy staying in hotels.

On Saturday night we were lucky enough to get to talk to the doctor for a few minutes about Amina's progress. He told us that her white blood cell count wasn't as high as he would like so he wanted to run another Complete Blood Count (CBC) test again in the morning but her numbers were looking better than the day before so he was feeling hopeful.

On Sunday morning my parents made the trek to Bakersfield earlier than usual so my dad and Justin could give our sweet baby a blessing. I was afraid that the NICU staff wasn't going to let me stay in the room for the blessing because you could only have 2 people in with her at a time but luckily for us this was a Christian hospital so they allowed me to stay. The blessing was beautiful and I cried the whole time. Later that day the doctor came in and told us that Amina's WBC count had dropped incredibly low. We were devastated. We had no idea how long she was going to have to stay now. But we assumed at least another 2 or 3 days. And of course I broke down again. (It was a very full week of crying for me.) After a while we decided that we should head back to our hotel to get some sleep so we could be back at the hospital first thing in the morning.

The NICU.

The NICU...

Right before shift change, my night nurse briefly showed me how to use the breast pump that the hospital provided. Then shortly after she introduced me to the day nurse. I don't even remember what this girl's name was because I hardly ever saw her that day. At the time I really didn't care. I wasn't worried about myself. I wanted to see my baby! Once my first dose of antibiotics was in my system I was able to go to the NICU and see my baby. Justin came in and took me to the NICU. He showed me how to scrub and sanitize and then he introduced me to little Amina once again. They had Amina in a warmer and hooked up to an IV machine that gave her the antibiotics. We didn't think that we were allowed to hold her so I didn't stay long. I was tired and needed to go lie back down. When I got to my room the nutrition people had brought in my breakfast. I took about two bites and there was a knock at my door. My family had made it to the hospital!! They sat down and talked with me for a little while. My sister asked me about my labor and delivery experiences. I told her what I could remember (I was heavily medicated, remember?) and then Justin walked in. He told us that the NICU staff had told him that we could take one other person into the NICU with us as long as either Justin or I was with them. So, they all started taking turns going into the NICU to see our baby girl. I guess we were doing it wrong because after about 3 people had had their turn the nurses started to get all sorts of ornery about us having visitors come in. We didn't understand why they were being so rude about it. We were doing exactly what they had told us to do. We only had 2 people at a time and were taking turns. Nobody had held her at this point other than me right after she was born. Not even Justin. And since they made such a big stink about us being in there I figured that they didn't want me in the NICU either. So I kept my space. Eventually my family got hungry and left to go get something to eat. While they were gone, the NICU nurse (Gloria) came into my room with Amina. She said that taking a baby out of the NICU was a big no no but since I was tied down to the IV antibiotics they were able to let it slide this one time. She brought Amina in because she wanted me to try breastfeeding. So she showed me what to do and helped me latch her on a few times. Then after awhile they had to take Amina back to the NICU. When Gloria left she tried to encourage me to use the breast pump and to try to pump as much as possible. I said okay and figured that I would try a little later. Soon after my family came back from lunch and wanted to see the baby again. So Justin took them in one by one again and then nurses threw a fit again. At this point, they hadn't informed us as to why they were throwing such a ridiculous fit, so we just assumed that they were being overly dramatic and honestly we were all a bit offended by their actions. But we kept taking our turns and tried to slow down the traffic flow like they asked. 

Soon it was time for my family to head back to Tehachapi. Justin and I decided to go back to the NICU to be with Amina. I tried to breastfeed her and seemed to be doing fairly well. She would latch on and seemed to be eating. So I didn't really stress about it. But again, as I was leaving the nurses mentioned something about pumping. I didn't understand why everyone was so concerned that I pump. I figured that if the baby cried at night that they would call my room, I could come down and feed her and then go back to bed. But I decided to try to pump just to make everyone happy. I tried for about 20 minutes and got nothing. Not even a drop. I was so upset. If I wasn't getting anything with the pump then what is my baby getting?! Not much, that's what. After this little experience I was so upset with myself and with everyone talking to me about pumping that I just didn't want to talk about it anymore. I didn't want to try it again. I didn't want to be in the hospital anymore. I was exhausted. So Justin and I went to bed and decided to try again in the morning. 

Delivery

Delivery:

After a while, the nurse came back in and examined me again. She decided that I was dilated enough to start doing some practice pushes. She told me that I needed to listen to my body and once I felt a contraction coming to start bearing down to push and if I wasn't able to feel my contractions she was going to have to have the anesthesiologist come in and take me off of the epidural. This terrified me. I did not want to be in pain again. I liked the epidural. The epidural was my friend. But this scared me so much that I started to stress myself out! I was so worried that I wasn't going to be able to feel the beginnings of the contractions and they were going to make me deliver my baby without an epidural! Luckily, I was able to start to feel the pressure of the contractions. Thank goodness!! So we kept doing our practice pushes and the baby started crowning, so she sent for the doctor and his team to come in. It was show time!! The doctor came in and got himself all situated and had me push for awhile. I pushed for about 15 minutes and then f
inally I gave one last push and our baby girl was out!

On August 11, 2015 at 5:21am, Amina Elaine Whipple was born!!! 

I looked at her when the doctor lifted her up and she was purple! I knew that wasn't a good sign but I wasn't feeling so great. I couldn't find the energy to ask why she was purple and if she was okay. Then I heard her cry. She was okay. The nurse asked Justin if he wanted to cut the cord but the doctor had already done it and had handed her over to one of the other nurses to get her cleaned up. There was so much going on and so many people in that little room, I couldn't comprehend all that was happening. I kept hearing nurses say something about both the baby and me being warm and that they would need to take the baby to the nursery. Then the next thing I knew they were laying my precious baby on my chest. At that moment, time stood still. I only got to hold her for about 5 minutes before they shipped her and Justin off to the nursery and I was left in the room with the doctor and a few nurses. The doctor started to stitch me up but only got a few stitches in before he was called in to deliver another baby. The nurse that was in charge of the epidural machine decided that I'd had enough and unplugged it when the doctor left. So when the doctor came back in to finish his stitches 30 minutes later the epidural had all but worn off and I could feel every single stitch. I was so uncomfortable. But I sucked it up and tried to think about my baby. Once he was done he left and my nurse came in. She told me that the reason they had to take my baby to the nursery was because the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck when she was born and that is why she was purple and because we both had spiked fairly high fevers during delivery. So they were going to have to put both of us on antibiotics just to be sure we didn't contract any kind of infection during delivery. This meant that I wasn't going to get to see my baby for awhile. She told me to get some rest and that everything would be okay. By now it was almost 7:00 am and that meant it was almost time for shift change. She told me that another nurse was going to be coming in to take care of me and that she really enjoyed being my nurse. 

Active Labor

Active Labor:

By the time we got to the hospital (it takes about 45 minutes to get to the hospital from our house) I was soaked. Justin ran in to get me a wheel chair because at this point my contractions were now 5 minutes apart and were starting to get a bit more intense. So he wheeled me up to the birthing center and I was admitted. They didn't have any empty rooms when we got there so they put us in an over flow room. I was roomed with another girl who was scheduled to have a C-Section at noon but the genius didn't show up until noon and had eaten lunch before she came. (You are supposed to show up 2 hours before your scheduled c-section and not eat anything. She wasn't the smartest cookie in the cookie jar.) Since she ate before she came she wasn't able to have her C-Section until 5:00 because she had to digest her lunch. So, they kept us in that fun little room until about 3:00 pm. We had to wait for a room to open up for me. Finally we were moved to an actual room and my doctor examined me and I was only dilated to a one. My contractions started to come even faster and harder. I wanted to try to go as long as I could with out any pain meds. After about an hour I was ready for some medication. I asked for the epidural but my nurse told me I couldn't have it yet because I wasn't dilated enough. About another hour passed and I was wanting the epidural again the nurse examined me and I was at a 3. She told me I couldn't have the epidural until I was at least dilated to a 4 but she offered me some IV meds. I graciously accepted the IV meds. At this point, I didn't care what they gave me just as long as I could have something to make the pain subside. So she gave me the meds and they made me feel SO WEIRD. I couldn't even keep my eyes open. It was such a strange feeling but I was so grateful to get something to help with the pain. Unfortunately the IV meds only last for an hour before they start to wear off. So by the time the hour was over my contractions were super close together and quite painful! I was watching my contractions come and go on the little paper that it prints out on and they were completely off the charts at the peak of the contraction. I was hurting. So I asked Justin to go find a nurse and ask if I could please get the epidural now. He came back with a nurse but she said that I couldn't have an epidural now because the anesthesiologist was in doing a C-Section. So she gave me another round of the IV meds and left. About 45 minutes went by and the IV meds started to wear off again. I asked Justin to go find the nurse again. She came back in and said that the anesthesiologist was still in the C-Section and she gave me one last round of IV meds. She informed me that the more I was given the IV meds the faster they would wear off. (Uh, yeah. Figured that one out on my own. Thanks.) But I didn't care. I couldn't sit there without something to ease the pain. After she gave me the meds she left again. This time they only lasted about a half hour. By the time they wore off this time I was, well, less than amused. I wanted to beat that girl that came in late for her C-Section! At one point I looked up at Justin, who was stroking my hair trying to keep me calm, and said, "I hate that stupid Mexican girl! Why did she not come when she was supposed to!?!" I'm not sure how Justin kept a straight face for that. But he did and I was grateful. It probably would have made me even more mad if he'd laughed at me at that point.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, the anesthesiologist came in to give me my epidural. At this point, my body had already been through so much I could barely move. The nurse asked me to sit up and hang my legs off the side of the bed. I asked Justin to come and help me sit up but the nurse wouldn't let him help me! My stomach muscles were so tired from all of the contractions, I couldn't sit up by myself so I looked at Justin, grabbed his hand and insisted that he help me. I, eventually, was able to sit up and get myself all situated. The anesthesiologist gave me the epidural. Once the epidural was in my system I immediately started to feel cold. My feet and legs were so cold and I could not get warm. I told the nurse and she kept telling me that I wasn't cold, my legs and feet were just numb and so it felt like I was cold. I called bull crap on that one. I was freezing! She was right in that I couldn't feel my toes but that's because they felt so stinking cold I could barely feel them. At one point Justin came over to sit with me and try to help me warm up, he touched my arm that was covered in goosebumps and said that my arm was really hot. How could my body be hot when I was feeling so cold? The nurse walked in when he was telling me this but she didn't seem to think that it was strange and kept on insisting that I wasn't cold, just numb. She examined me again and decided that I was at a 5 and not ready to push yet. She then turned off the lights and told us to try and get some rest since the epidural was doing it's job making it so I could only feel slight pressure from my contractions.  I'm not sure how much sleep Justin was able to get but I know for a fact that I didn't get a whole lot. Between the pressure from the contractions and the stupid blood pressure cuff going off what felt like every 5 seconds, sleep was hard to come by. I was able to rest a little and save up a bit of energy. 

"Let's start at the very beginning..." Early Labor

I want to write down Amina's birth story. I'm not really one to read birth stories, I just wanted to write it down for myself mostly so that I can remember all of the craziness that happened. Instead of writing one huge post like I usually do, I decided to break it up into sections.

Early Labor:

It all started on Sunday, August 9. I started having regular contractions that were about 10 minutes apart at about 10:00 pm. They lasted the entire night but didn't seem to get any closer together. So we didn't really worry about going to the hospital. The next morning (Monday, August 10) Justin and I decided that we were going to go to the store to get some food to make ourselves a yummy lunch. So we went to the store and did a few other errands. After we finished our errands we went home and put our groceries away and sat down to watch a little tv. I was feeling a little hungry so I got up to get myself a snack and sat back down. A few minutes later I stood back up to throw my trash away and I got about half way to the garbage can and suddenly I felt wet. Something was running down my leg. My water broke!! (10:15 am) I looked at Justin but couldn't get any words out. All I could say was, "Uh. Oh man. Oh man. Justin! Oh man." Since my husband knows me so well he was able to figure out that something was wrong and he asked me if my water had broken. I told him it had and that we needed to get to the hospital. So he called the hospital and let them know that we were on our way. On our way to the car I couldn't tell if my water was still leaking or if I was peeing my pants. So I had Justin run back in the house to get me a towel to sit on and another pair of pants. Not that changing my pants would make my water stop leaking. haha My brain wasn't exactly working at that point. So we headed to the hospital! On our way we called our parents to let them know what was going on. They, of course, were so excited. My parents were on their way back from Salt Lake City and had decided that they were going to drive straight to California from Utah with a little pit stop at home to grab their clothes and things. Justin's mom started planning when she was going to come and visit. It was all starting to feel very real now. This baby is coming and we are officially going to be parents!

Justin bought me some Jimmy Fallon ice cream while we were running errands. :)

We are SOOOOO blessed!

So much has happened since I last posted. About 3 weeks after I posted last we found out that we were pregnant again! This pregnancy has been so great! I don't really have anything to compare it to other than the 11 weeks I was pregnant before but from what I've heard from other people, I've had it pretty easy. And for that I am grateful!!

Justin and I have been so blessed these last 8-ish months. We have so many generous and caring people in our lives! We received so many wonderful gifts and warm wishes at my baby shower in Bunkerville!  And my sisters and Mom put so much time into making it perfect and it really was! We have the best family and friends anyone could as for! I feel like every time we go home someone shows up at either my parents' house or Justin's mom's house with a gift for us! We are so blessed! We were also both thrown baby showers by our co-workers! It was so sweet and they really didn't have to do that for us!

So, I've always known that pregnancy makes you all nest-y and crazy but I never thought that I would be that kind of person. I do NOT consider myself a decorator by any means. Most of the stuff on the walls in our house were put up by Justin because he has such a better eye for that kind of stuff than I do. So he decorates the house and I pretty much just hold stuff for him and try to look pretty doing it. But before we found out the sex of our baby we decided that if it was a boy Justin would decorate the nursery and if it was a girl that I would decorate. Well, we're having a girl! So I got to decorate! I was actually pretty nervous about it because like I said, I feel super insecure in my decorating abilities, so I took to Pinterest. After looking at nurseries for what seemed like FOREVER I decided that I wanted her room to be pink and grey with little elephant accents. Justin really wanted the nursery to have an African theme because her name is African. So I thought that the elephants were a nice little touch. And it turns out that elephants are really in right now. I had no idea. So slowly but surely I started gathering things here and there for the nursery. A lot of the pictures and things I printed off of Pinterest and all of the picture frames were given to us. So I was able to keep the budget pretty low, which made Justin happy as well. :) Here are a few pictures to give you a little bit of an idea of what her room looks like. (These pictures were taken on my phone and I am also nothing close to a photographer so you get what you get. haha)

  

 

I'm really happy with the way her room is turning out! I'm pretty sure I'm done but I thought that the last time I went to Target and then left with all sorts of things for her room. haha We are just so excited for her to get here next month! I just pray that I can get through this last month without going too crazy.  But we sure are blessed!!

-What's that thing happy people say to make a bad situation seem good? -A blessing in disguise? -Yeah. Maybe this is that. -Maybe. {Grey's Anatomy}

I don't even know how to start this post. So I guess I'll just jump in. From the beginning…

About 2 months ago I woke up one morning realizing that my period was almost a week late. So I jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom to take a pregnancy test. I did my thing and waited the appropriate 3 minutes for the test to finish. When I looked at the test IT WAS POSITIVE!! I was so excited! I ran back into the bedroom and immediately told Justin. We laid in bed for a little bit talking about how excited we were. We were both on cloud nine. We couldn't believe that we were actually going to have a baby!

As the days progressed, like most pregnant women, I began to experience the joys of morning sickness. (It should be called all day sickness. That crap is awful!) As well as a few more pregnancy symptoms that don't need to be discussed.

When I was about 6 weeks pregnant I had to go in to the doctor to have my blood drawn to verify the pregnancy. I didn't want to drive our truck to Bakersfield because it doesn't get the best gas mileage and Addie and Scott were going to Bakersfield to take their daughter to her doctor's appointment. So I told Addie the good news (one because I needed to tell someone! I couldn't keep it in anymore. and two because it just made sense for us to go together.) So we all drove down to Bakersfield together. I had my blood drawn and the next day I got a phone call from the doctor's office to let me know that the blood test came back-still positive. I was really pregnant!

A few weeks later, all of my sisters, my mom, and I took a short trip up to Salt Lake City while the guys went hunting. While we were in Salt Lake, my mom could tell that I wasn't feeling well so she asked me if I was pregnant. She'd asked me before and I tried to talk around her question, I couldn't do that this time. So I told her. She was so excited! On Saturday we all headed back down to Bunkerville for my baby brother's mission farewell. (He did a great job by the way.) By the time Justin and I left Bunkerville, my parents, Justin's mom, my grandpa, and all of my siblings knew our good news. I was 9 weeks at this time.

The next week I was supposed to have my first doctor's appointment with the actual doctor. Unfortunately, I had to reschedule because while all of this was happening Justin and I were in the process of getting me on his insurance. It was quite the ordeal and way too much drama than was necessary. But long story short, I still wasn't on his insurance by the time my appointment came around so I had to reschedule for 2 weeks later. I really didn't feel good about having to reschedule but there was nothing I could do. The same day my original appointment was scheduled for, I noticed that I started spotting a little bit. It worried me a little bit but like every 21st century woman does, I checked the internet to see if spotting during pregnancy was normal. Everything I read said that if I wasn't experiencing any cramping then I should be fine. So, I tried not to think about it too much because if I sat and thought about it then I would over think it and then freak myself out. The next day I was still spotting. Again, I tried not to over think things and just wrote it off as normal. The next day-still spotting. So I decided to text my parents and ask them what they thought. They both said the same thing the internet said-spotting without cramping means I should be fine, if I experience any cramping I should call the doctor. The next day I was still spotting but again tried not to stress about it. Then on Friday (Halloween) I was still spotting but this time it was a lot darker and I noticed a bit of blood. This scared me. I got ready and went to work. I tried to ignore it while at work but failed miserably. I went into work at 8am and by 8:30am I was on the phone with the doctor's office. I told the nurse what I was experiencing and she suggested that I come in that day and get checked out. Now I was really freaked. I started crying on the phone. I eventually finished up with the nurse and continued to cry. After a while I pulled myself to together and went back to work.

My appointment was at 3:00 so Justin and I headed to Bakersfield around 1:30 to make sure that we got there on time. When we got to the doctor's office we were seen pretty quickly. They weighed me, took my temperature, blood pressure and pee and then took us back to the exam room. When the doctor came in he asked me again what my symptoms were and then ordered the nurse to bring in the doppler (a little machine that magnifies the baby's heartbeat) after trying to hear a heartbeat for what seemed like forever but was probably only a few minutes, he found nothing. He then told us that I would need an ultrasound because sometimes the baby is too small to hear the heartbeat but I knew better. I've been doing my research. Every book I've read says that you should be able to hear the heartbeat with a  doppler at 8 weeks. I was 11 weeks. You can't fool me Mr. Dr. Man. The doctor then examined me and he said that my uterus was measuring a little small. Then he told me to get dressed and meet him outside. After meeting with him, he told us that we would need to schedule an appointment for an ultrasound that day, the schedule was full but they would squeeze us in somewhere. So we went to the front desk to schedule the ultrasound and the only available appointment they had was at 5:00. It was 3:30 at that point. So we had an hour and a half to kill. Luckily our insurance had finally gone through a few days earlier so we decided that we would talk to the financial lady about our new insurance and what all it would cover. So we set up an appointment with her right then and got all of the insurance info worked out! Finally! Then we waited. and waited. AND WAITED! We were THE LAST PEOPLE TO BE SEEN! It was so frustrating. Finally at 5:45 (they were also incredibly backed up that day) we were called back to have the ultrasound. The lady put the awful goo on my belly and then pushed REALLY hard with her little wand thing (I thought for sure that I was going to pee my pants right then and there.) We saw the gestational sac but nothing in it. At first I thought that maybe she had to do something different in order to see the baby (There was a tiny bit of me that still thought that everything was okay.) but no such luck. She took about 8 pictures of the empty sac and then told us that she had to go get the doctor. That could only mean one thing-She needed the doctor to come in and tell me that my baby isn't there. I broke down. I couldn't hold it in anymore. When she came back she said that the doctor had just run out to deliver a baby and that he should be back in about 10 minutes but there was another doctor there that could come in if he wasn't back soon enough. So we decided that we would wait for him. After 10 minutes he still wasn't back so we had the other doctor come in. They looked at my tummy again and found that it was empty. He started to tell us something about how it's possible that the fertilized egg didn't develop all the way or something but I couldn't really hear what he was saying. I was experiencing some kind of tunnel vision or something and I couldn't focus on the awful words that he was saying to me. I just kept nodding my head and trying not to cry. At one point he put his hand on my leg and told me that it was nothing that I did. I couldn't keep it together. I broke down again. He also told me that I'm supposed to get some test done before I come back in next week but I have no idea what he said. I can't remember what it's called or where I'm supposed to go. They really should write this stuff down for you because I was not thinking straight at all. Luckily, I had Justin there. He was so perfect. He knew exactly what to do. I always thought that I would be the kind of person that wants to be held when something terrible like this happens but I didn't. All I wanted was for him to be there and to touch my arm and that's exactly what he did. I know that he was devastated as well but he's stronger than I am. I needed him to take care of me and he was amazing.

We were supposed to have Addie and Scott over for a little Halloween party that night and Addie was so worried that we wouldn't be feeling up to it but I couldn't think about what happened anymore so I asked her if they would come over so I could hold the baby. I needed to hold a baby even if it wasn't my baby. There's something so reassuring about holding a baby that just makes life better. So they came over and we told them basically what had happened and then we didn't talk about it the rest of the night. I was so grateful. I was starting to feel a little better until they left and Justin and I were left to think about what had happened that day. I know it's not the end of the world and that it doesn't mean that we're never going to have any kids but it's hard. We were so excited and then in one day it's gone.

Even though this sucks and it's really hard, I'm so grateful for wonderful people in my life! My husband, my family, my friends, church members. I'm grateful for the Plan of Salvation and the knowledge that I have. I'm grateful that I get to be with my family forever! I know that we are given trials to make us stronger. Right now I can't say that I'm grateful for this trial. I don't know that I'll ever say that I'm grateful for this trial, but I know that I'm grateful for the things that I've learned so far. I feel like Justin's and my relationship has definitely been strengthened. We are more aware of each other's feelings. That's been nice. Blessing in disguise? Possibly.