-What's that thing happy people say to make a bad situation seem good? -A blessing in disguise? -Yeah. Maybe this is that. -Maybe. {Grey's Anatomy}

I don't even know how to start this post. So I guess I'll just jump in. From the beginning…

About 2 months ago I woke up one morning realizing that my period was almost a week late. So I jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom to take a pregnancy test. I did my thing and waited the appropriate 3 minutes for the test to finish. When I looked at the test IT WAS POSITIVE!! I was so excited! I ran back into the bedroom and immediately told Justin. We laid in bed for a little bit talking about how excited we were. We were both on cloud nine. We couldn't believe that we were actually going to have a baby!

As the days progressed, like most pregnant women, I began to experience the joys of morning sickness. (It should be called all day sickness. That crap is awful!) As well as a few more pregnancy symptoms that don't need to be discussed.

When I was about 6 weeks pregnant I had to go in to the doctor to have my blood drawn to verify the pregnancy. I didn't want to drive our truck to Bakersfield because it doesn't get the best gas mileage and Addie and Scott were going to Bakersfield to take their daughter to her doctor's appointment. So I told Addie the good news (one because I needed to tell someone! I couldn't keep it in anymore. and two because it just made sense for us to go together.) So we all drove down to Bakersfield together. I had my blood drawn and the next day I got a phone call from the doctor's office to let me know that the blood test came back-still positive. I was really pregnant!

A few weeks later, all of my sisters, my mom, and I took a short trip up to Salt Lake City while the guys went hunting. While we were in Salt Lake, my mom could tell that I wasn't feeling well so she asked me if I was pregnant. She'd asked me before and I tried to talk around her question, I couldn't do that this time. So I told her. She was so excited! On Saturday we all headed back down to Bunkerville for my baby brother's mission farewell. (He did a great job by the way.) By the time Justin and I left Bunkerville, my parents, Justin's mom, my grandpa, and all of my siblings knew our good news. I was 9 weeks at this time.

The next week I was supposed to have my first doctor's appointment with the actual doctor. Unfortunately, I had to reschedule because while all of this was happening Justin and I were in the process of getting me on his insurance. It was quite the ordeal and way too much drama than was necessary. But long story short, I still wasn't on his insurance by the time my appointment came around so I had to reschedule for 2 weeks later. I really didn't feel good about having to reschedule but there was nothing I could do. The same day my original appointment was scheduled for, I noticed that I started spotting a little bit. It worried me a little bit but like every 21st century woman does, I checked the internet to see if spotting during pregnancy was normal. Everything I read said that if I wasn't experiencing any cramping then I should be fine. So, I tried not to think about it too much because if I sat and thought about it then I would over think it and then freak myself out. The next day I was still spotting. Again, I tried not to over think things and just wrote it off as normal. The next day-still spotting. So I decided to text my parents and ask them what they thought. They both said the same thing the internet said-spotting without cramping means I should be fine, if I experience any cramping I should call the doctor. The next day I was still spotting but again tried not to stress about it. Then on Friday (Halloween) I was still spotting but this time it was a lot darker and I noticed a bit of blood. This scared me. I got ready and went to work. I tried to ignore it while at work but failed miserably. I went into work at 8am and by 8:30am I was on the phone with the doctor's office. I told the nurse what I was experiencing and she suggested that I come in that day and get checked out. Now I was really freaked. I started crying on the phone. I eventually finished up with the nurse and continued to cry. After a while I pulled myself to together and went back to work.

My appointment was at 3:00 so Justin and I headed to Bakersfield around 1:30 to make sure that we got there on time. When we got to the doctor's office we were seen pretty quickly. They weighed me, took my temperature, blood pressure and pee and then took us back to the exam room. When the doctor came in he asked me again what my symptoms were and then ordered the nurse to bring in the doppler (a little machine that magnifies the baby's heartbeat) after trying to hear a heartbeat for what seemed like forever but was probably only a few minutes, he found nothing. He then told us that I would need an ultrasound because sometimes the baby is too small to hear the heartbeat but I knew better. I've been doing my research. Every book I've read says that you should be able to hear the heartbeat with a  doppler at 8 weeks. I was 11 weeks. You can't fool me Mr. Dr. Man. The doctor then examined me and he said that my uterus was measuring a little small. Then he told me to get dressed and meet him outside. After meeting with him, he told us that we would need to schedule an appointment for an ultrasound that day, the schedule was full but they would squeeze us in somewhere. So we went to the front desk to schedule the ultrasound and the only available appointment they had was at 5:00. It was 3:30 at that point. So we had an hour and a half to kill. Luckily our insurance had finally gone through a few days earlier so we decided that we would talk to the financial lady about our new insurance and what all it would cover. So we set up an appointment with her right then and got all of the insurance info worked out! Finally! Then we waited. and waited. AND WAITED! We were THE LAST PEOPLE TO BE SEEN! It was so frustrating. Finally at 5:45 (they were also incredibly backed up that day) we were called back to have the ultrasound. The lady put the awful goo on my belly and then pushed REALLY hard with her little wand thing (I thought for sure that I was going to pee my pants right then and there.) We saw the gestational sac but nothing in it. At first I thought that maybe she had to do something different in order to see the baby (There was a tiny bit of me that still thought that everything was okay.) but no such luck. She took about 8 pictures of the empty sac and then told us that she had to go get the doctor. That could only mean one thing-She needed the doctor to come in and tell me that my baby isn't there. I broke down. I couldn't hold it in anymore. When she came back she said that the doctor had just run out to deliver a baby and that he should be back in about 10 minutes but there was another doctor there that could come in if he wasn't back soon enough. So we decided that we would wait for him. After 10 minutes he still wasn't back so we had the other doctor come in. They looked at my tummy again and found that it was empty. He started to tell us something about how it's possible that the fertilized egg didn't develop all the way or something but I couldn't really hear what he was saying. I was experiencing some kind of tunnel vision or something and I couldn't focus on the awful words that he was saying to me. I just kept nodding my head and trying not to cry. At one point he put his hand on my leg and told me that it was nothing that I did. I couldn't keep it together. I broke down again. He also told me that I'm supposed to get some test done before I come back in next week but I have no idea what he said. I can't remember what it's called or where I'm supposed to go. They really should write this stuff down for you because I was not thinking straight at all. Luckily, I had Justin there. He was so perfect. He knew exactly what to do. I always thought that I would be the kind of person that wants to be held when something terrible like this happens but I didn't. All I wanted was for him to be there and to touch my arm and that's exactly what he did. I know that he was devastated as well but he's stronger than I am. I needed him to take care of me and he was amazing.

We were supposed to have Addie and Scott over for a little Halloween party that night and Addie was so worried that we wouldn't be feeling up to it but I couldn't think about what happened anymore so I asked her if they would come over so I could hold the baby. I needed to hold a baby even if it wasn't my baby. There's something so reassuring about holding a baby that just makes life better. So they came over and we told them basically what had happened and then we didn't talk about it the rest of the night. I was so grateful. I was starting to feel a little better until they left and Justin and I were left to think about what had happened that day. I know it's not the end of the world and that it doesn't mean that we're never going to have any kids but it's hard. We were so excited and then in one day it's gone.

Even though this sucks and it's really hard, I'm so grateful for wonderful people in my life! My husband, my family, my friends, church members. I'm grateful for the Plan of Salvation and the knowledge that I have. I'm grateful that I get to be with my family forever! I know that we are given trials to make us stronger. Right now I can't say that I'm grateful for this trial. I don't know that I'll ever say that I'm grateful for this trial, but I know that I'm grateful for the things that I've learned so far. I feel like Justin's and my relationship has definitely been strengthened. We are more aware of each other's feelings. That's been nice. Blessing in disguise? Possibly.